有意識

大家是什麼時候意識到自己以前都沒有意識地活著？我覺得這種感受是漸進式地，每次遇到相關的事情才會「意識到」原來我以前都不曾意識到的事情。事情可能類型不同，但都是圍繞著一個課題——「不足」。

When did everyone realize that they had been living without consciousness before? I feel that this realization is gradual, occurring each time something relevant happens, making one “conscious" of things overlooked in the past. The types of incidents may vary, but they all revolve around a common theme – “insufficiency."

我是個各種方面都有缺陷的人，在意識到這件事實之前的人生倒是過得很愉快，不知道高牆外的世界，在自己的小宇宙裡自給自足。但那一天總會到來，真相會在各種時機顯現在我面前，逼得人只得面對，否則日子便過不下去或變得很難過。

I am a person with flaws in various aspects. Prior to realizing this fact, my life was quite enjoyable, oblivious to the world beyond my self-sufficient microcosm. However, that day always comes, where the truth reveals itself at various times, forcing one to face it; otherwise, life becomes unbearable or profoundly melancholic.

在一次一次的關卡中，若突破，會為自己感到欣慰；若僥倖通過，則會有隱憂埋在心裡；若卡關，會感到無比的絕望。人生的關卡的設定是：除非通過，否則會一而再、再而三地出現，而且一次比一次更艱難。

In the multitude of challenges, if successfully overcome, a sense of gratification arises. If one narrowly passes through, concerns linger in the heart. If one gets stuck, an overwhelming sense of despair follows. The design of life’s challenges seems to be: they persist unless conquered, and with each occurrence, they become progressively more arduous.

最近即是充分意識到那些年來我僥倖逃避的關卡，一個一個顯現在我面前，而我只能忍住不去怨懟以前那個樂天、不作為的自己，努力看能不能一一突破這些關卡。或是換個腦袋，不把這些關卡視為試煉，那麼便不再煩惱。

Lately, I’ve become acutely aware of the hurdles I had managed to evade over the years. Each one surfaces before me, and I must resist blaming my past self – the optimistic and inactive version – while striving to break through these obstacles. Alternatively, I might consider a mindset shift, refraining from viewing these challenges as trials, thus alleviating the distress.

最近剛好讀到劉墉的作品《小沙彌遇見劉墉》挺有啟發。其中一則是小沙彌在掃落葉，因為落葉掃完又會從樹上掉下或是從別的地方被風吹來而感到氣惱，師父對他說，落葉就像煩惱，有新綠就有枯葉，有得意就有煩惱。今天落下的落葉就今天掃，明天落下的落葉就明天掃，只要有落葉就掃，掃也是種修行。

Recently, I came across Liu Yong’s work, “Little Monk Meets Yong Liu," which proved quite enlightening. In one story, the young monk, annoyed by continuously sweeping fallen leaves, receives guidance from his master. The master compares fallen leaves to troubles, stating that where there is new greenery, there are also withered leaves, just as there are joys and sorrows. Today’s fallen leaves are swept today, and tomorrow’s fallen leaves are swept tomorrow. As long as there are fallen leaves, one should keep sweeping, as sweeping is a form of cultivation.

我就是因為總是沒有及時把落葉掃乾淨，所以才累積了那麼多煩惱吧。

Perhaps it’s because I haven’t promptly cleared away these fallen leaves that I’ve accumulated so many troubles.