無用 Uselessness

資本主義社會定義社會成員有無用處之基準，在於資本的多寡、對於經濟的貢獻，因此在這標準底下，我是幾乎列於無功能者的排行。

In capitalist societies, the criteria for defining the usefulness of a member of society lie in the abundance of capital and their contribution to the economy. Hence, by these standards, I am almost classified among the ranks of the functionless.

就算再怎麼轉念「成功的定義由自己決定」、「每個人都有存在必要」，資本主義社會下的社會比較帶來的精神壓力總是讓人懷疑自己。

Even if one tries to shift their mindset to “defining success is up to oneself" or “everyone has their necessary existence," the societal comparisons inherent in capitalist societies inevitably lead to self-doubt.

到底走錯了哪一步，導致我這麼無能？

What step did I take wrong to render myself so incompetent?

貧窮並不只是物質的匱乏感，畢竟其實我這代人比起更早年代的人們，生活中方方面面的資源已經讓我們得以「更舒適」地存活下去。貧窮還是種低於社會標準產生的內在不適感。在資本主義盛行前的過往年代，人們只要有一份正當的職業，那麼便已經是對家庭、對社會有貢獻了，社會瞧不起的是無業者。在現今資本主義下，貧窮意味著消費能力的低落。

Poverty isn’t just a sense of material scarcity; after all, our generation has access to a plethora of resources in various aspects of life compared to earlier times, enabling us to “survive" more comfortably. Poverty still breeds an intrinsic discomfort, falling below societal standards. In eras preceding the prevalence of capitalism, as long as individuals held a legitimate occupation, they were considered contributors to their families and society; it was the unemployed who faced social disdain. In today’s capitalist landscape, poverty signifies a decline in purchasing power.

我明白有一派的說法是，能力不足是源於努力不足、努力方向錯誤，但在我心裡，我真正認同的想法是——時運才是關鍵。尤其在看到許多付出的努力和獲得不成比例的人們之後，我更相信這才是事實。

I understand there’s a faction that argues inadequacy stems from insufficient effort or misguided direction, but personally, I believe luck is the crucial factor. Especially after witnessing many individuals who put in tremendous effort yet receive disproportionately little in return, I’m more convinced this is the reality.

雖然我的認同是如此，但這並不會打消我對於努力仍是必要的想法，畢竟時運無法掌控，我們能掌控的是努力，因此我仍會將自己的無能歸咎於自己的努力不足。

Though I hold this belief, it doesn’t diminish my conviction that effort is still necessary. After all, luck is beyond our control, but effort isn’t. Hence, I still attribute my incompetence to insufficient effort.

努力不足，努力不就好了。

Insufficient effort, just try harder.

似乎是很簡單的邏輯，但要朝什麼方向努力？我想不清楚。

It seems like a simple logic, but what direction should I strive in? I can’t seem to figure it out.

就在這樣模糊的焦慮下，曾經每週準時收聽《大人的Small Talk》的我，最近都刻意不去聽了，因為我覺得主持人講的「正論」很帶攻擊性和針對性，處於心態和精神軟弱狀態時，如果聽了那些言論會更加焦慮和厭惡自己，於是我選擇先遠離那些批評的聲音。

Amidst this vague anxiety, I used to listen to “Adult’s Small Talk" weekly without fail. Recently, I’ve deliberately avoided it because I find the host’s “righteous" words to be aggressive and targeting. In a state of vulnerability and mental weakness, listening to such opinions would only exacerbate my anxiety and self-loathing. So, I chose to distance myself from those critical voices for now.

我認為一個人往前邁步的動力，不是被鞭打著前進的負面動力，而是自己願意邁開步伐的正面動力。像《大人的Small Talk》主持人的言論就是拿著鞭子揮舞著，或許他們認為救到一個是一個，但能不能被救到仍要視狀況而定，像若我正處於脆弱狀態，我想給自己的是能產生動力的正面的力量，或說是雞湯，這樣比較不容易直接跳到——啊我就爛啊——的自暴自棄結論。

I believe a person’s drive to move forward shouldn’t stem from negative forces pushing them forward but rather from positive forces propelling them willingly. The comments from the host of “Adult’s Small Talk" feel like wielding a whip, perhaps they think saving one person at a time is still a win, but whether one can be saved still depends on the circumstances. For instance, if I’m in a fragile state, what I need is positive energy that can generate motivation or a pick-me-up. This way, it’s less likely to directly lead to the conclusion of “I’m just terrible" in self-abandonment.

順帶一提，我最近都是收聽《劉軒的How to人生學》，首先他溫潤的嗓音就已經帶來救贖感了，他鼓勵的方式也很能讓我接受。

By the way, I’ve been listening to “Liu Xuan’s How to Life" lately. Firstly, his gentle voice alone brings a sense of redemption, and his encouraging approach is very receptive to me.

自己的存在究竟有用無用，這在我心中一直是個議題，這個議題在我大學時成形，成形的關鍵有兩個，一是我尊敬的社會學教授曾說過：「羞辱一個人最有效的方式是說他『無功能』。」二是道家經典課中讀到一篇莊子談論一顆無用的大樹。

The question of whether one’s existence is useful or not has always been a topic in my mind, a question that took shape during my university years. Two key moments shaped it: one was when my respected sociology professor said, “The most effective way to humiliate someone is to say they are ‘useless.'" The second was reading a Zhuangzi fable in a classical Daoism class discussing a useless large tree.

惠子謂莊子曰：「吾有大樹，人謂之樗。其大本擁腫而不中繩墨，其小枝卷曲而不中規矩，立之塗，匠者不顧。今子之言，大而無用，眾所同去也。」
莊子曰：「子獨不見狸狌乎？卑身而伏，以候敖者；東西跳梁，不避高下；中於機辟，死於罔罟。今夫斄牛，其大若垂天之雲。此能為大矣，而不能執鼠。今子有大樹，患其無用，何不樹之於無何有之鄉，廣莫之野，彷徨乎無為其側，逍遙乎寢臥其下？不夭斤斧，物無害者，無所可用，安所困苦哉！」

以下白話譯文摘自蔡璧名所著《正是時候讀莊子：莊子的姿勢、意識與感情》。

惠子對莊子說，「我有一顆大樹，人們稱它為樗。它的樹幹因樹瘤盤結，無法用繩墨來標記直線，它的枝條彎彎曲曲，無法用圓規或方尺取材利用。這樣的大樹就算生長在路邊，木匠經過也不會多看一眼。方才莊子你說的話，就像這顆大樗一樣，大歸大卻毫無用處，無論誰聽了都會直接轉頭離開的。」
莊子回答：「你難道沒看見黃鼠狼嗎？牠們壓低身子趴伏在地上，等待著獵捕飛翔而過的禽鳥。只顧著追逐獵物， 東跑西跳，不管高低，也沒留心有什麼陷阱，結果踏中了獵人所設的機關，死在捕獸的羅網中。但西南方有一種長毛牛叫斄牛，牠的身軀大得像從天邊垂掛而下的雲幕。這真的是很大了吧，卻辦不到捉老鼠這等小事。如今惠子你有這麼大的一顆樹，與其煩惱它沒有用處，何不將它種在空無一物的本鄉、遼闊無邊的荒野呢？這麼一來，就能自在地在樹旁嬉戲，或什麼也不做，也可以在樹蔭下逍遙地睡上一覺。這樹在一般人眼中看起來毫無用處，卻因此不會被斧頭砍伐夭折， 也不會招來外物的傷害，這麼看來，沒有什麼用處，又有什麼好困擾的呢？」

Huizi said to Zhuangzi, “I have a large tree, which men call the Ailanthus. Its trunk is twisted and gnarled, making it impossible to mark straight lines with a ruler and line, and its branches are crooked, defying the use of compasses or squares. Such a tree, even if it grows by the roadside, would not attract a passing carpenter’s glance. The words you just spoke, Zhuangzi, are like this Ailanthus—grand in size but utterly useless, causing anyone who hears them to turn away immediately."

Zhuangzi replied, “Have you not seen the yellow weasel? They lower their bodies and lie in wait on the ground, awaiting the opportunity to catch passing birds. Obsessed with chasing prey, they dart back and forth, paying no heed to height or depth, and ignoring any traps laid in their path. As a result, they often fall into the traps set by hunters and perish in their snares. But in the southwest, there is a type of long-haired Yak, whose body is as vast as the clouds hanging from the sky. It is indeed massive, but it cannot accomplish something as trivial as catching mice. Now, Huizi, if you have such a large tree, instead of fretting over its uselessness, why not plant it in the barren wilderness of your homeland, where there is nothing else? Then you could frolic by its side or do nothing at all, leisurely nap in its shade. While this tree may seem worthless to the average person, it would thereby escape the axe’s blade and the harm of external elements. What is there in its uselessness to cause you distress?"

莊子．內篇＜逍遙遊＞

這個寓言故事在我心中留下非常深刻的印象，我們總想成為有用的人、充滿功能的人，但無用之人又如何呢？對於社會、他人而言無用，但活出自己的天賦，或許正是莊子推崇的價值吧。而這樣的思考又讓我開始想，我的天賦是什麼呢？

This fable left a profound impression on me. We always aspire to be useful, to be fully functional individuals, but what about those who are useless? They may be deemed useless by society and others, but living out one’s talents, perhaps that is the value Zhuangzi advocates. And such thoughts made me wonder, what are my talents?

天賦是做某件事情，一做再做也不厭膩，那個某件事，對我來說——是書寫。

Talent is doing something that you never tire of doing, something that, for me, is writing.

我從國小開始就很喜歡寫，不管是否獲得讚賞，我很喜歡透過文字展現自己的想法，比起口說，我更擅於使用文字。

I’ve loved writing since elementary school. Whether or not I received praise, I enjoyed expressing my thoughts through words, and I’m better at using words than speaking.

在先前的職場，我有機會使用文字，我的文字在那裡是被需要的。但在現在的職場，沒有人需要我的文字，於是我想起火星爺爺的演講。

In my previous job, I had the opportunity to use words, and my writing was valued there. But in my current job, nobody needs my writing. This reminded me of Logan Hsu’s speech.

既然這裡沒有，那麼就去有的地方吧。

Since there’s no need here, then I’ll go where there is a need.

於是我不去思考書寫能帶來什麼回饋，既然想寫，那麼就讓更多人看見我的文字吧。我在短短幾天內投了三個稿，有新詩、有短文、有長文。生產力之高，自己都嚇了一跳，或許我總是不停地輸入想法和感受，才能在短時間內輸出吧。

So, instead of pondering what rewards writing might bring, if I want to write, then let more people see my writing. In just a few days, I submitted three pieces: a poetry, a short story, and a long article. I was surprised by my productivity, perhaps it’s because I never stop inputting thoughts and feelings that I can output so much in a short time.

雖然心中不免期待是否會獲選，但其實在完稿後投稿的那一剎那已經滿足了我書寫的欲望了。

Though I can’t help but hope whether my submissions will be selected, in reality, the moment I submitted them, I was already satisfied with my desire to write.

新詩和短文的徵稿還在評選中，但長文很快就獲得入選的消息，也已經刊登了。

The poetry and short stories are still in the selection process, but the long article was quickly accepted, and it’s already been published.

文字的慰藉 —《當下的力量》

從事天賦並能獲得回報，是很幸運的事情，我很感激自己如此幸運。

Being able to engage in one’s talent and receive a reward is truly fortunate, and I’m grateful for my luck.

受肯定的感覺很美好，在承認自己無用之後的嘗試竟然獲得正面的收穫，始料未及。

The feeling of affirmation is wonderful, and after acknowledging my own uselessness, to unexpectedly receive positive results from my efforts was beyond my expectations.

在資本主義的社會中我仍是個無用之人，但我決定先放下這個思考，先讓天賦奔放吧。至少我一定能獲得從事喜歡的事情的滿足感。

In the capitalist society, I’m still a useless person, but I’ve decided to set aside this thought for now and let my talent run wild. At the very least, I’m sure to find satisfaction in engaging in something I love.