青春期 Adolescence

近期迷上一直以來都好奇卻打不起精神研究的《紅樓夢》。

Lately, I’ve become fascinated by Dream of the Red Chamber—a book I’ve always been curious about but never had the energy to really dive into.

但用閱讀的方式對我來說還是有難度，尤其文中牽涉到古典詩詞的部分，很難領略。於是找了蔣勳細說紅樓夢的音檔，邊聽邊讀，聽已把紅樓夢翻來覆去幾百回的人分析文中的人物趣味，總算能體會到《紅樓夢》之所以為經典之價值所在。

Reading it on its own is still quite challenging for me, especially the parts involving classical poetry, which are hard to fully appreciate. So I found audio recordings of Chiang Hsun’s commentary on the novel and began listening while reading along. Hearing someone who has pored over Dream of the Red Chamber hundreds of times analyze the characters with such insight finally helped me understand why this novel is considered a timeless classic.

目前正聽讀完第九回 〈戀風流情友入家塾 起嫌疑頑童鬧學堂〉，這回是在講寶玉和秦鍾至義學堂讀書時的故事。這回充滿了代表青春期的各種混亂心境與行為，作者對於青春期的描寫真的非常深刻，即使隔了230多年，現代人仍能對裡頭人物產生共鳴，真是了不得。

Right now, I’ve just finished reading and listening to Chapter 9, “Qin Zhong Studies at the Jia School and Baoyu Gives Way to Adolescent Passions.” It recounts Baoyu and Qin Zhong’s experience studying at the family school. The entire chapter is full of the confused emotions and impulsive behaviors that define adolescence. The author’s depiction of this stage of life is incredibly nuanced. Even though it was written over 230 years ago, the characters still resonate deeply with modern readers—which is remarkable.

蔣勳講這回時提到，成年人講到自己的青春期通常是感到充滿羞恥的、認為是不堪回首的黑歷史的，但《紅樓夢》將青春期獨有的混沌、曖昧不明呈現得特別透澈，那個混沌及曖昧即是代表青春期正是充滿各種可能的時期，正是最珍貴的時期。

Chiang Hsun, in his commentary, notes how adults usually recall their adolescence with shame, regarding it as a dark, cringeworthy chapter of their lives. But Dream of the Red Chamber captures the ambiguity and confusion of adolescence with striking clarity. That very ambiguity, he says, represents the period’s vast potential—making it one of the most precious times in life.

蔣勳說成人若能回想並認知到自己也曾有過那段摸索的歲月，便能在早已熟透的年紀仍能與青少年對話，因為「理解」。若刻意遺忘自己也走過的那段路，只會板起面孔教青少年「應該」怎麼做才「正確」，便拉遠了與青少年的距離，搭建不起溝通的橋樑。

Chiang explains that if adults can remember and acknowledge their own period of exploration, they can still communicate meaningfully with young people, even in their mature years—because they understand. But if they choose to forget the path they themselves once walked, they’ll only lecture youth on what’s “right,” putting on a stern face that drives a wedge between generations, severing the possibility of genuine dialogue.

早過了青春期的成人可能常會說「哎呀，現代的小孩怎麼這樣？」其實誰人都曾經那麼搗蛋、調皮過的，只可能形式不同。

Adults who’ve long passed their adolescence often say things like, “Kids these days—what’s wrong with them?” But weren’t we all mischievous in our own ways too? Maybe the forms differed, but the spirit was the same.

我被蔣勳拋出的問題：「青春期一定是充滿羞恥的嗎？」震撼了心。因為我也是一想到國中時期就特別難受的人。我也總是刻意迴避國中的回憶，特別混沌，特別找不到自己究竟是誰的時期。但蔣勳說這樣尚在摸索的時期在人生當中其實是最珍貴的時期，因為過了青春期通常人就「定形」了，一旦認定自己是什麼樣的人，就只會做什麼樣的事情了。一切都有跡可循、毫無例外，便「無趣」了。

I was struck by Chiang’s question: “Does adolescence have to be full of shame?” Because I’m someone who feels especially uneasy when thinking about my junior high years. I’ve always avoided those memories—they were confusing, and I couldn’t tell who I really was. But Chiang says this uncertain, searching period is actually one of life’s most valuable phases. After adolescence, we begin to “settle" into a fixed sense of self—and once we define who we are, we tend to limit what we do accordingly. Life becomes predictable, without exception—“uninteresting,” even.

我從來不想擁抱自己的青春期，但聽蔣勳這麼說，我好像可以鼓起勇氣試著回想自己的國中時期了。

I’ve never wanted to embrace my adolescence, but after hearing Chiang’s reflections, I feel like I might finally have the courage to revisit those junior high years.

那真的是段對自己的身體和心理狀態都不熟悉，特別尷尬的日子。

Those truly were awkward days, when I was unfamiliar with both my body and my mind.

在那樣的日子裡我還寫了許多現在讀來毛骨悚然的文章。雖然有些文章還留著，但我真的讀都不想讀，直到如今一想，或許正是那樣特殊的時期才能寫出那樣的文字吧。雖然不「得體」，但那也是構成我生命的一部分。

During that time, I wrote many pieces that now send chills down my spine. Some of them I still have, though I’ve never wanted to reread them. But now I realize—maybe it was precisely that strange phase of life that allowed me to write such things. They may not be “appropriate,” but they are still a part of my life.

我想把青春期寫的(總是被我像穢物般丟在電腦的資料夾角落)，現在讀來已經覺得莫名其妙的文字張貼在這裡，然後就從電腦刪去了，像是超度那尷尬的靈魂。

I want to post the writings I produced during adolescence—the ones I always tossed into forgotten corners of my computer like trash. Now, reading them with confusion, I’ll post them here and then delete them from my computer, as if giving those awkward souls a proper farewell.

《寡言》Silent Words

〈antipole〉
真誠　虛偽
善良　邪惡
信守　背叛
那面鏡子
永遠映出和希望相反的

Sincerity Falsehood
Kindness Evil
Loyalty Betrayal
That mirror
Always reflects the opposite of what I hoped for

〈arctic〉
好冷　這世界愈來愈冷
陽光永遠無法進來
只能承受寒冰
軀近心遠

我就住在
灰色森林

So cold The world is getting colder
Sunlight can never enter
Only ice endures
The body is near, the heart far
I live in
A grey forest

〈blood〉
你偷走了我的心
從此
我以為任何所在都是異鄉
空殼是你唯一留給我的
一針一針　　每日每日
扎進心　　淌著血
那已淤青許久的心跳
沒有知覺

You stole my heart
And since then
Every place feels foreign
An empty shell is all you left me
Stabbed Day by day
Bleeding
A heart long bruised
Now numb

〈butterfly〉
是隻只能在黯夜飛舞的蝴蝶
不具有色彩　　只是深沉的黑
盼著黎明的雨露
沾濕渾濁的軀殼

A butterfly that only dances in the dark
Colorless Only deep black
Longing for the dewdrops of dawn
To wet its clouded shell

〈caracole〉
一直在爬樓梯　一階是一階
　　　高處　更是戰戰兢兢
　　落地的腳跟　不穩
　　　軀體搖晃顫抖

　　要失了足　失去一切

　　一直在　爬著樓梯
　　　　愈來愈高
　　　　　愈來愈長
　　　　　　而永無止盡

Climbing stairs Step by step
The higher I go The more I tremble
Feet unsteady
The body shakes, quivers

One misstep, and everything’s gone

Still climbing
Higher
Longer
Endlessly

〈chotchke〉
我愈來愈瘦
愈來愈虛弱
身體漸漸地縮小
縮小　　再縮小
精緻至極　
只能在木造的玩具盒子裏遊戲
深埋土裏
一個世人遺忘的地方
只有我知道
而將永遠緘默

I’m growing thinner
Weaker
My body shrinking
Smaller Smaller
So delicate
It can only play inside a wooden toy box
Buried deep
In a forgotten place
Only I know
And will remain silent forever

〈dark〉
我剖開了心
滴滴答答
滴滴答答
我心淌著血
而只有他倆伴我

沉默　　寂寞

I cut open my heart
Drip drip
Drip drip
Bleeding
And only they stay with me

Silence Loneliness

〈deny〉
不動
也就麻痺了
不想
也就不痛了
但這世界並不簡單
而我也拒絕

Stay still
And you’ll go numb
Don’t think
And there’s no pain
But this world isn’t simple
And I refuse

〈depraved〉
人們都不小心遺忘了色彩
除了那
不見底的黑色

People have carelessly forgotten color
Except for that
Bottomless black

〈disfavor〉
因為你膚色黝黑
　所以我要歧視你
因為我血統高貴
　所以你要臣服我
因為你貧無立錐
　所以我要恥笑你
因為我家財萬貫
　所以你要遵從我

若　這是必定相對的的肯定
這將是只有白色的恐怖世界

Because your skin is dark
 I will discriminate
Because my blood is noble
 You must submit
Because you are poor
 I will mock
Because I am rich
 You must obey

If this is what affirmation looks like,
It will be a world of white terror only

〈doublethink〉
人說爾泰是好人
　人說瑪莉是壞人
人說右邊是正道
　人說左邊是斜徑
人說錯誤是正確
　人說正確是錯誤

而人們顯然選擇相信

They say Ertai is good
 They say Mary is bad
They say the right path is right
 They say the left is crooked
They say wrong is right
 They say right is wrong

And people choose to believe

〈envoi〉
祂對我說
你只剩一天了
我如是說
儘管拿走吧
我從沒活過

He said to me,
“You have one day left.”
I said,
“Then take it.
I’ve never truly lived.”

〈evil〉
我看見了一個孩子
不斷地　嘶吼　鬼叫
無止地　哭泣　咆哮
凶惡冷漠的臉
千瘡百孔的心
蒙著眼　閉緊嘴
卻豎直耳　竊聽
關於自己醜陋的一切

鏡子前
那人是我嗎？

I saw a child
Screaming Wailing
Crying Raging
With a cruel, indifferent face
And a heart full of wounds
Eyes blindfolded Mouth sealed
Yet ears sharp
Listening to every ugly word about himself

In the mirror
Was that child me?

〈freedom〉
那是最值錢
　　最閃耀
　　　　　的礦石
但　為何將它鑲在上頭
就不得人心了？

那是綑綁
　　桎梏
　　　　的枷鎖

儘管是金子製的鐐銬……
因為自由是無價之寶

The most precious
 Most dazzling
  Ore
But why,
When worn above,
Does it stir resentment?

It becomes
Chains
 Shackles
Even if made of gold…
Because freedom is priceless

〈insincere〉
他們總是在出門前套上一層厚厚的皮
或許
那層皮已經黏在他們身上
脫不下來了
而我們
永遠　永遠
也看不到他們的真面目
當他們不想偷羊的時候

Before going out,
They always put on thick skin
Maybe
It’s already fused to them
Can’t be peeled away
And we
Can never
Ever
See their true faces
When they’re not stealing sheep

〈key〉
無夢人　
將所有秘密密封　沉底
弄丟了鑰匙　找不回
無夢人
無法開啟的箱子
弄丟了鑰匙　找不回

再也不會有夢
因為　那只箱　少了把鎖匙

Dreamless one
Locks all secrets away
Loses the key Never to be found
Dreamless one
A box that won’t open
Key lost Forever

No dreams will return
Because that box lacks its key

〈killer〉
你用你的背叛
你用你的誤解
你用你的鄙視
你用你的嘲諷
殺了我

知道的
殺人無須用刀

With your betrayal
Your misunderstanding
Your disdain
Your mockery
You killed me

And you know
You don’t need a knife to kill

〈leaden〉
很沉
整顆心沉甸甸的
但　為何
還沒擺進憂愁
就承不起

Heavy
My heart is heavy
But why,
Even before sorrow is added,
Can it bear no more?

〈number〉
５９７４　５６　１８
知道嗎
這些數字
代表我對你們的愛
縱使你們不以為然

5974 56 18
Do you know
These numbers
Are my love for you
Even if you never cared

〈pain〉
好痛　我的心好痛
鎖住　被緊緊束縛
背叛　虛偽的謊言
把柄　控制的機制

我沒有自由
我沒有快樂
我沒有尊嚴

都只因為他　
如果沒有他就好了　沒有他

So much pain My heart aches
Locked Bound tightly
Betrayal False lies
Control Manipulation

I have no freedom
No joy
No dignity

All because of him
If only he didn’t exist—if only

〈secret〉
每個人都有一些秘密
他們竭盡所能地保護加密
深怕為人得知

人們能永遠隱瞞嗎？
不　他們不能

Everyone has secrets
They guard and encrypt them
Afraid they’ll be discovered

Can they hide forever?
No—they can’t

〈shadowy〉
是夜
寂寞的利刃
刺進　滲入　狠狠地
細胞　血液　肌肉
佈滿那殘酷的鮮紅

不止
無法癒合的傷口
很空　很虛
漸漸被抽去一切
那我唯一所擁有的
卻一丁也不剩

Night
A lonely blade
Piercing Seeping Deeply
Cells Blood Flesh
Soaked in cruel red

It never ends
A wound that won’t heal
So hollow So empty
Everything drained
Even the only thing I had
Now gone

〈silent〉
靜
只是靜
因為選擇了孤寂
就必須承擔沉默

Stillness
Just stillness
Chose solitude
Must bear the silence

〈try〉
我嘗試　
做個聽話的乖孩子

我嘗試
努力完成該做的事

我嘗試
刻意忽略嘲諷的嘴臉

盡心得到的答案
竟是

否定

I tried
To be an obedient child

I tried
To do what I was supposed to do

I tried
To ignore the sneering faces

But in the end
All I got
Was rejection

〈uncleaned〉
我用擦子
擦去錯誤
擦去枷鎖
擦去規範
擦去傷疤

但卻擦不掉我一身的污穢

I used an eraser
To rub out my mistakes
Rub out my chains
Rub out the rules
Rub out the scars

But I couldn’t erase
The filth on me

〈unearthly〉
peace　love　friendship
世界的架構
而我
不屬於這塊土地

Peace Love Friendship
The ideals of the world
But me
I don’t belong to this land

〈unheeded〉
啪啪啪
努力拍打著窗
是豪雨
就像那些人一樣
用自己微薄的力量控訴
但　沒人在意

因為生存沒有力量　就要被出賣
因為生存沒有權勢　就要被欺壓

總是如此　一直是如此

Bang bang bang
Rain beats the window
Like people
Protesting with faint strength
But no one cares

Because without power,
You’ll be betrayed
Because without status,
You’ll be oppressed

Always like this
Forever like this

〈筆〉2006-02-10 The Pen

我才知道，那是愛你的證據。
我將它完好的收在盒子裏，因為我怕因分離而被迫忘了你。

I didn’t realize—that pen was proof of your love.
I kept it safe in a box, afraid that separation would force me to forget you.

送我。
啊？
那隻筆送我，可以嗎？
嗯，反正我有兩支。

“Give it to me.”
“Huh?”
“That pen—can I have it?”
“Sure, I have two anyway.”

太好了……。

“Great…”

總是笑著伸手向你要些東西。
總想要在最後離別時擁有一些屬於你的物品。
不能就這麼結束，不能……
但是我仍停在原地躊躇……一步都還未前進……
邁不開的腳步。

Always smiling, always asking for something of yours.
Always wanting to keep a piece of you before we parted ways.
I didn’t want it to end—not like that.
But I remained where I stood, unable to take a single step forward…

為甚麼總是答應我奇怪的要求？
曾經這麼問過你，只記得你說，難道要拒絕你嗎？

Why did you always say yes to my odd requests?
I once asked you that.
I only remember your answer: “How could I ever say no to you?”

意外獲得的禮物總讓人興奮，儘管只是支好便宜的原子筆，也可以讓我高興半天，只因為那是你送我的。

Unexpected gifts always excited me.
Even a cheap pen made me happy, simply because it was from you.

我真的很開心，很開心……

I was really, really happy…

但不知你是否故意，筆，還沒用就壞了。
也罷，那麼就可以乾淨的保留到最後，最後？
哪個最後？

But maybe—just maybe—you did it on purpose.
The pen broke before I ever used it.
Fine.
That way, I could preserve it as it was—perfectly—until the very end.

The end?

What end?

之後你問我，為何不用那支筆寫字。
我笑了。

Later, you asked me why I never used that pen.
I just smiled.

或許，我不小心猜中你的心思。
但我們，永遠不能用同樣的筆。

Maybe I had guessed your feelings, by accident.
But we—we were never meant to use the same pen.

不願拒絕對方的兩人，不願傷害對方的兩人，不願受傷的自己。

Two people who wouldn’t say no,
Two people who didn’t want to hurt each other,
And one self who feared being hurt.

還未碰觸到痛，痛就已飛遠……。

The pain never even touched me—
Before it had already flown far away…

書寫的心境已經不可考了，但從這些文字讀得出青春期的我還真是「青春」呢。為可能不存在的煩惱擔憂，強說愁啊。

I don’t remember what state of mind I was in when I wrote these, but reading them now, I can tell—my teenage self was truly youthful. Worrying over problems that might not even have existed, forcing sorrow into words.