生母去年「回去了」。
對於生母的離去，感受是像漣漪一樣，慢慢慢慢擴散開來，但又淡淡的。
火化前拜別時我跪在地上哭得很狼狽，雖沒哭出聲但眼淚卻止不住。現在想來這不過是最淺層的悲傷。
深層的悲傷是，每每與繼母、父親互動時，都會讓我想到，那個真的願意掏心肺只為我好的人已經不在了呢。
生母是如果自己有資源，不論多寡，絕對捨得都給孩子的母親。
今年1月時做了百日祭拜，又想到她真的與繼母和阿嬤都不同呢。
繼母的好是「剛剛好就好」的好，道德上沒有瑕疵，卻感受不到真心。
阿嬤的好是「你是我孫子」的好，衣食溫飽不成問題，卻無法交心。
雖然和生母相處機會不多，但我能感受到她很想貼近我，想給我她擁有的，雖然實際上沒辦法獲得什麼，但我確實有感受到母親特有的愛意。即使我不知道如何反應，還是接收到了。
至今她仍未出現在我的夢裡，或許我們的執念都很淡吧，這樣也好。
若有來生，希望她別再受那麼多苦。
總是會失望，永遠無法在他人身上獲得毫無瑕疵的滿足，而他人同樣無法在我身上獲得百分之百的滿足。
There is always disappointment. One can never attain flawless satisfaction from others, just as others can never be fully satisfied by me.
只能在自己身上獲得沒有任何折扣的滿足。
True, undiluted satisfaction can only be found within oneself.
認知到這點，自然會放下對他人的期待。不再期待他人滿足自己的期待。於是心結便開了，他人帶來的滿足感隨之上升。
Once this is understood, expectations of others naturally fall away. I no longer expect others to fulfill my expectations. As a result, the knots in my heart begin to loosen, and the satisfaction others bring starts to increase.
不再追求「滿分」，只要「有分」即是幸福。
I no longer chase a “perfect score”; as long as there’s some score, that is happiness.
像是自欺欺人的論點，但確實能帶來一直以來嚮往的幸福感。
It may sound like self-deception, but it truly brings the sense of happiness I’ve long yearned for.
今年三月是我35歲生日，這些文字是送給30至35歲的自己，也是給35歲之後的自己的祝福。
This March marks the month of my 35th birthday. These short articles are written for the me between 30 and 35 years old, as well as a greeting to the version of me after turning 35.
週遭仍一片黑
心卻有了亮光
因你而起
遠離哀傷 自憐
各自安好
愛原是溫暖 踏實
因你而知
Even though darkness still surrounds,
My heart has found a gentle glow.
It rises because of you—
Sorrow and self-pity fall away,
Each of us at peace in our own space.
For love is warmth, strong and sure—
And this I know, because of you.
謝謝先生在男性生理期情緒低潮時做了這麼豐盛的晚餐，牛排好好吃😋
也謝謝先生只要生理期低潮時都會跟我說，我這次會記下來發生的時間，之後會慢慢統計出趨勢的，我便會在低潮期來臨前更體貼一點。
Thank you to my husband for preparing such a wonderful dinner during his hormonal low—those steaks were absolutely delicious. And thank you for always telling me when you’re feeling this way. This time, I’ll make a note of it. Over time, I’ll track the patterns, so that next time, I can be even more considerate before the low mood sets in.
繼續閱讀 “小日子 Slow Days"
Written for my cat, Puma
繼續閱讀 “有用之愛 Useful Love"
遲來的啟蒙 Start From Here Now 