三十 My Thirties

今年三月是我35歲生日，這些文字是送給30至35歲的自己，也是給35歲之後的自己的祝福。

This March marks the month of my 35th birthday. These short articles are written for the me between 30 and 35 years old, as well as a greeting to the version of me after turning 35.

週遭仍一片黑
心卻有了亮光
因你而起
遠離哀傷自憐
各自安好
愛原是溫暖踏實
因你而知

Even though darkness still surrounds,
My heart has found a gentle glow.
It rises because of you—
Sorrow and self-pity fall away,
Each of us at peace in our own space.
For love is warmth, strong and sure—
And this I know, because of you.

〈三十〉

終於活到了曾經以為很遙遠的年紀。

已懂得區分與他者的界線，將自己擺在優先順位，以維持精神穩定、身心靈健康為依歸。活在當下，不為不存在的事情煩惱；保持正向，不忽視真實的感受與情緒。

讓外在與內在一致，不再苦於印象整飭，我即是我，能救贖自己的只有自己。

不盡人意的事比比皆是，用正面的力量展現智慧，用內斂的態度迎接未知，便不會因失落而憤慨，亦不會抱持飄渺的期待。

踏實的階段，單薄的生命逐漸滋養出厚度。

“Thirty”

I have finally reached the age I once thought was so far away.

I have learned to set boundaries with others, to put myself first, and to prioritize my mental and physical well-being. I live in the present, unburdened by worries about things that do not exist. I maintain a positive outlook without dismissing my true emotions.

I align my outer self with my inner self, no longer tormented by the need to curate an impression. I am who I am, and only I can save myself.

Life rarely goes as expected, but wisdom is found in channeling strength positively and embracing the unknown with quiet resilience. This way, disappointment does not turn into anger, nor does hope become delusion.

This is a grounded phase—where a once-thin life gradually grows in depth.

〈back and forth〉

這條路來回走了數次，總是為了消弭油然而生的不安而邁開步伐，生之慾的箝制如此蠻橫，得一直保持動態才不會被隨停滯而來的恐慌淹沒。生而為人似乎窮盡一生都在以不同的視角思索相同的議題，以有限的生命探索無窮盡的路徑，卻殊途同歸，你我間竟如此相似。

層層堆疊的情緒在心底蓄積，尚不及化解的不安、恐懼、憤怒在尋求解套，入眠的軀體仍抗拒著、使勁著，清醒時瞬息的安逸感，是潛意識在反覆斟酌中產生的短暫慰藉吧。

重複而近乎雷同地，不論何種關係總在相似的位置看見慣性的自己，順勢度日的渴望逐漸強烈，但生之慾的鐘擺仍來回搖盪。

“Back and Forth”

I have walked this road back and forth countless times, always setting off to quell the unease that rises without warning. The grip of the will to live is so relentless that I must stay in motion, lest the stagnation consume me in panic.

To be human is to spend a lifetime contemplating the same questions from different angles, exploring endless paths with a finite existence—only to arrive at the same conclusions. You and I are not so different after all.

Layer upon layer, emotions accumulate deep inside, unresolved anxieties, fears, and frustrations seeking an outlet. Even in sleep, the body resists, struggles. That fleeting sense of peace upon waking—it is but a momentary solace, born from the subconscious wrestling with itself.

Time and again, I find myself standing in the same place, regardless of the relationship, confronted by the habitual version of me. The desire to drift with the current grows stronger, yet the pendulum of existence continues its relentless swing.

〈稀釋〉

事情發生了，試著在敘述時把人稱拿掉，便發現沒有指涉的對象，無法表達悲傷、憤怒、無奈。情緒沒有了宿主便無以名狀，事情回歸本質，於是快樂、哀傷的產生與消滅來去迅速，尚未一一咀嚼便消逝。

成了沒有心的人，便也不存在無視心理感受而被心靈之聲鞭笞的議題，沒有拒絕自我對話的空間，僅有的是與事實共處的平靜。

在那些不書寫的日子裡，歲月逐漸枯萎及老去，感受變得遲鈍，思慮不太敏銳，一切掠過心頭即忘，即使肉體還記得如何儲藏情緒，也無助闡述心理狀態。

是滯留的人，是被稀釋的情緒，是過淡的茶，無勁。

“Dilution”

When recounting an event, I try removing the pronouns. Without subjects, there is no one to whom sadness, anger, or helplessness can be directed. Emotions without hosts become unnameable. The event is reduced to its essence, and so joy and sorrow arise and fade quickly, disappearing before they can be fully processed.

When the heart is hollow, there is no inner voice left to chastise it for ignoring its own feelings. There is no refusal of self-dialogue—only the quiet coexistence with reality.

In the days when I no longer write, time withers and ages. Sensations dull, thoughts lose their sharpness. Everything that grazes my heart is forgotten in an instant. Even if my body still remembers how to store emotions, it can no longer articulate them.

I am someone left behind, a diluted emotion, a brew steeped too many times—weak and flavorless.

〈白〉

面無表情的少年，用藍芽耳機展開了結界，發光的螢幕是堡壘，如此反覆的日常，完成了他的青春歲月。

懂得獨處的青年，品味著珍藏的空白，內斂的眼神裡，有著多年來難以釐清的慾望。

抑鬱消沉的中年，嫉妒著得不到的，羨慕著他人擁有的，埋怨填滿了空白，自怨自艾成了武器。

豁然開朗的老年，韶光荏苒，和自然萬物一同作息，宇宙的靜謐蔓延至心底，曾經的喧囂如今沉靜得不可思議。

白，不再令人窒息，只是白。

“White”

The expressionless boy, earbuds forming an invisible barrier, his glowing screen a fortress—thus, his youth unfolds in repetition.

The young man who has learned solitude, savoring the blank spaces he treasures. His restrained gaze holds desires long too elusive to grasp.

The middle-aged man, burdened by melancholy, envies what he cannot have, covets what others possess. His resentment fills the empty spaces, self-pity his weapon.

The elderly man, finally at peace, moving in rhythm with nature, the vast stillness of the universe settling into his soul. What was once noise has quieted beyond belief.

White no longer suffocates. It is simply white.

〈軟〉

不禁笑了出來。

像被輕搥肚子般，像被搓揉瘀青般，像體悟到無能為力的事實般，從內心深處湧起柔軟的、使不上力的笑意，不是放聲大笑，就是發軟地笑了。

這樣的笑毫無意義卻拯救了無措的時刻－－臣服於虛無的時刻。

於是嘴巴鬆了，肩膀鬆了，身段軟了，心腸軟了。

相視而笑，有點淒涼，卻有點幽默。

“Soft”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Like a gentle punch to the stomach, like pressing a bruise, like realizing the sheer helplessness of it all—this laughter rises from the depths, weak and weightless. It is not a loud, hearty laugh, just a laugh that gives way.

Such laughter carries no meaning, yet it saves me in moments of uncertainty—moments of surrendering to nothingness.

And so, my lips loosen, my shoulders relax, my posture softens, my heart yields.

We look at each other and laugh. There’s a touch of sorrow, yet also a quiet humor in it.

〈a new song〉

每段關係的開始與結束都像是一首新歌無意闖入心裡而又淡出的過程。

──驚豔、激動、好奇、沉迷。

儘管熟悉每個細節，反覆聽多久都不厭倦，甚至以為自己能一直維持著熱切的心。

──而後煩膩、麻木、無謂、脫離。

連自己都有察覺地，曾讓人期待、興奮的前奏已不若往日動人；曾讓人血脈賁張的副歌已顯得平淡無奇；像鉤子般插進心坎的橋段也覺得老套。

新歌於是降格為舊歌，隨著本能與機遇，又開始追逐另首未知的歌。

偶爾會想起著魔般醉心於那些歌裡的時光，但這懷舊情緒總立即被新鮮旋律沖淡。

播放清單之於我，是了然於心的不斷展開又收闔的關係。

“A New Song”

Every relationship, from beginning to end, is like a new song—entering my heart unexpectedly, then fading just the same.

—Astonishment, excitement, curiosity, obsession.

No matter how many times I listen, I never tire of it. I convince myself that this passion will last forever.

—Then weariness, numbness, indifference, detachment.

Even I can sense it—the once-thrilling intro no longer stirs excitement, the chorus that once sent my pulse racing now feels unremarkable, and the hook that once struck deep now seems predictable.

The new song becomes an old song, and by instinct or chance, I start chasing another unfamiliar melody.

Sometimes, I reminisce about those times when I was utterly consumed by a song. But nostalgia is quickly washed away by the next fresh tune.

To me, a playlist is simply a series of relationships—constantly unfolding and closing.

〈蛹〉

時而躁動、時而迫切，每每欲啟齒，總使不上力，欲言又止是承擔不住隨對話而來的倦意。

於是有識之人學會了沉默。

自己是唯一的聽眾，便沒有溝通的負擔，不用為服人而拚命。

不再挺身，就這樣吧，在自己編織的蛹裡歇息直到停止氣息。

“Cocoon”

Restless and urgent—each time I try to speak, the words refuse to come. Holding back is easier than bearing the exhaustion that follows every conversation.

And so, the wise learn silence.

When I am my only audience, there is no burden of communication, no need to fight for understanding.

I no longer step forward. Let it be.

I will rest in the cocoon of my own making—until my breath stills.

〈彼得潘〉

日復一日，成年人的日子經常是單調乏味的，社會生活的束縛與對它反覆的調適，在老早停止生長的臉上留下皺紋。曾經煩惱活得太原始，如今早已忘了如何飛行，盲目地、搖擺地隨著浪潮前進後退，生命成熟的同時失去了熱度。

懷念恣意妄為的自己，全力擁抱各種情緒的孩子，雖說不出口到底追逐著什麼，但每一刻、每一瞬都是意義。不會逞強著對生命負責，不會讓無趣吞沒了感受。

“Peter Pan”

Day after day, adulthood becomes a monotonous cycle. The constraints of society and the endless adjustments to fit within them leave wrinkles on a face that stopped growing long ago. Once, I feared living too primitively. Now, I have forgotten how to fly—drifting aimlessly, tossed by the waves, maturity stripping life of its warmth.

I miss the reckless version of myself—the child who embraced every emotion without hesitation. I cannot say exactly what I am chasing, but in every moment, there was meaning. No need to feign responsibility for life. No need to let dullness consume me.

〈端看〉

語帶保留、態度曖昧、眼神閃爍，身經一定歷練的年長者總是謹慎「斷言」，生怕、惟恐、堪虞，一路以來的經驗告示著，篤定的事物總有被推翻的時刻，於是遲疑、小心翼翼，不能望文生義，必須一再斟酌。

優秀的決策者即是了然於心仍咬牙撐過，一關是一關。

說不準的數與劫，愈漸相信運與命。

歲月教人謙卑。

“Perspective”

Cautious words, ambiguous stances, flickering eyes—those who have lived long enough hesitate to make firm declarations, fearing, dreading, knowing too well that certainty is always at risk of being overturned.

And so, they tread carefully, always second-guessing, never taking words at face value.

A great decision-maker understands this—and pushes forward anyway. One hurdle at a time.

The predestined trials make me believe in luck and destiny more and more.

Time teaches humility.

〈過眼〉

從此我們就是兩群人了。

這句原應寂寞的話，卻解開了內心的糾結，終於不再因靠近而失落、負傷；因倫理而委屈、勞心。

各自安好，不再偽善。

從此我們就是兩群人了。

這句話自從在心裡萌發後，你是你、我是我，彼此的情緒、期待、情分便不再糾纏。

我自由了，而你……。

徒勞的重情，免了。

“Passing By”

From now on, we are simply two separate people.

A sentence that should feel lonely, yet it brings clarity—no longer feeling loss from closeness, no longer wounded by attachment; no longer bound by obligation, no longer burdened by expectations.

Each on our own path. No more pretenses.

From the moment this thought took root, you became you, and I became me—our emotions, hopes, and ties no longer entangled.

I am free. And you…

Cherishing ties was in vain—no more.

〈get better〉

那些遺憾、憤慨、懊悔、悲痛，即使再怎麼撕心裂肺，終將雲淡風輕。每份經歷皆會在生命裡鑿下痕跡，軌跡帶來的疼痛會忘去，對自我的認知、信念則會轉化。傷昇華成繭，回首時總會發覺，離來時路頗遠了。

再邁開步伐又會遭逢相異的挫折、領會相仿的體悟。我和我之間存在著至少一分一毫的差距，是自適、安泰的程度。

我非我，仍是我。

“Get Better”

Regret, anger, remorse, sorrow—no matter how excruciating, they will one day fade into the background. Every experience leaves its mark, but while the pain may be forgotten, the understanding it brings transforms into something else.

Wounds harden into cocoons, and when I look back, I realize how far I have come.

With each step forward, I will face new struggles, gain familiar insights. The gap between who I was and who I am widens, however small. That difference—however slight—is the measure of peace.

I am no longer who I was. And yet, I am still me.